Origins

So "United States of Whatever" apparently was a real fake song before it was a parody.

If we watched television, we would have seen this four years ago.

Flower Futures

I got to remembering this dotcom-era Guy Noir sketch from about ten years ago, and thankfully it's still archived, albeit in dialup-friendly 9Kbps. This is the type of brilliance Cleese would likely produce if he were on Xanax. The fun stuff begins at 4:10.

Gerald Ford

From Chevy Chase falling all over himself to this gem from Dana Carvey - the former prez was always one of SNL's prime targets. People are saying a lot of nice things about the guy this week, but if there's anything I think people should remember about Ford, it's that he could always take a joke.

Lighten Up, Francis

While it may end up making no difference in real-life usage, the fun-meisters over at Adobe® have decided to lay down the law when it comes to the lingo:

Trademarks are not verbs.
  CORRECT: The image was enhanced using Adobe® Photoshop® software.
  INCORRECT: The image was photoshopped.

Trademarks are not nouns.
  CORRECT: The image pokes fun at the Senator.
  INCORRECT: The photoshop pokes fun at the Senator.

So the next time you come across that picture of the domo-kuns chasing the kitten, make sure they call it what they're supposed to, eh?

Double-checking that Amazon order

Linked is a picture of an Amazon UK warehouse at Christmas. Make sure you know what you're getting via One-Click; something tells me that if you're not careful, you could wind up with the Ark of the Covenant.

Actually, they probably have more than one. It ships free, and you get 10% off with a coupon code.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas 2: Grinch Harder

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Silent Night

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy ..do you hear what I hear?

The Mountain Dew Christmas Tree

I think my favorite part of this is the little blurb twoards the middle that sounds sorta like the sellers are checking to make sure that potential bidders are sober enough to realize exactly what they are getting themselves into:

"You are bidding on a tree made of Mountain Dew cans and other hardware accessories. This tree is not just any tree though and the parts are not any parts. The 'Dew Tree' possesses majestic powers that bring joy and happiness to anyone around it. We are proud to have created it."

All I know is that's a buttload of Dew empties.

Can you imagine just how hopped up the dudes
who built this thing must be at any given moment?

Remote Control Farting Santa

What Scrooge over in marketing went and discontinued a genius product like this!?

I mean come on, it's got a wireless remote -- the possibilities for inter-office or family get-together comedy with this thing are virtually endless!

     *sigh* Maybe on Ebay

Christmas Is Interesting

Someday we'll stop pimping Jonathan Coulton here, but that day has not yet arrived. I got to see him live last week with the hyper-talented Paul and Storm. These guys also had the most geek cred of any band I've seen: to determine the winner of a drawing for their CD, they rolled two 20-sided dice.

Wile E. Coyote's Mini

So the Mini Cooper marketing folk have been gluing the cars to the sides of buildings, sending them up attached to ski lifts, and the like.

Most of these ads are pretty cute, but do you really want people thinking that your vehicle was made by Acme?

Santa Claus - Steady Mobbin'

With so many websites, sketch troupes, and popular television shows around these days, it's easy for a joke to get played out. And that's exactly the feeling I had when I first started to check out yet another clip featuring Santa Claus as a womanizing drug trafficker who secretly hates kids. And for the first couple of moments, my suspicions seemed to hold up.

But there's something about the sequence where Santa is furiously declining MySpace friend requests from smiling little children that broke the ice all around my grinch heart and had me giggling out loud despite myself.

This film comes from the crazies over at Black20, the same people responsible for "The Easter Bunny Hates You" and the recently featured "Public Service Announcement." They have plenty more videos to enjoy, so if you have the chance and some holiday vacation time to burn, you should definitely check them out.

The Leg Lamp

Ah, A Christmas Story. That cute little 1983 film that wormed it's way into our hearts with it's classic storyline and dark-hearted humor about shooting your eye out and what happens when you accept a triple dog dare.

Unfortunatley, as beloved as this little film is, it's having a hard time keeping it's dignity intact here in our modern media-crazed world. Take for example the way cable television networks TNT and TCN mercilessly replay the movie over and over during the holiday season, stripping it of it's cuteness through repitition to the point where even the sight of those cute kids scampering around in snow clothes is enough to make you puke.

Then of course there's the all too true stories about child actor Scotty Schwartz, who co-starrted in the film as the loveable "Flick" (the kid who had to accept the triple dog dare and got his tongue stuck the the flagpole) who would eventually grow up to pursue a career as a porn star.

And if that wasn't enough, the current Wikipedia entry about the movie features a large and rather unexpected photograph of a young couple having sex on the floor at a party (chances are this will be discovered quickly and dissapear -- but trust me, it was there)

Is there nothing about this movie that can survive without scorn?

The answer is probably not, but there is one company in San Diego that's doing it's best to try. All season long they've been busy making, advertising and selling the movie's most underrated prop -- the infamous Leg Lamp



Now it's not everyone on your christmas list who's gonna want one of these, but believe me, if you do decide to pony up and get one for someone -- it will be a gift that they will always, always treasure

Until their wife "accidentally" breaks it.

Public Service Announcement

Your Supermodel Moment of the Day

I don't know what Victoria's secret is,

but I'm starting to get a bad feeling
about where she might be keeping it.

Signs of the Week

Signs
signs

everywhere there's signs

Blockin' up the scenery
breakin' my mind

Do this,
don't do that

Can't you read the sign?

Death by Caffeine

Have you ever been drinking coffee or soda to wake yourself up in the morning and you get to that point where you can tell the caffeine is getting to you?

Sometimes when that happens to me I'll find myself staring at the mug and saying "This stuff is going to be the death of me."

I always thought of it as just a saying, but perhaps there's more to it than that -- which is where this handy dandy little doodad comes in. Simply select your favorite energy drink, soda, or coffee style, and then using your body weight it quickly calculates just how many drinks of that type it would take to kill you.

According to the site, 155 cups of coffee would do me in.

What it doesn't say is if I have to drink them in a row, or if the effect is cumulative -- which is an important distinction, because if it is:

I'm living on borrowed time.

(Feel free to post your own death numbers in the comments!)

The Pessimist's Mug

Looking for the perfect holiday gift for the killjoy in your life?

This just might be it.

Patrick Swayze Christmas

Not Starring.com

*Audrey Hepburn declined the lead role in "The Sound of Music"
*Robert De Niro was considered to play Hannibal Lecter
*Sean Connery turned down the role of Gandalf
*Johnny Depp passed on the chance to play Lestat
*The Wachowski Brothers wanted Will Smith to play Neo
*Val Kilmer declined offers to play Neo and Morpheus in "The Matrix"

If you're the type who lives for movie geekery, then one site you definitely need to check out is notstarring.com -- an ever-growing compendium of actors and roles that almost connected, but never did.

From well-documented almost castings (Tom Selleck was the original choice to play Indiana Jones) to the little-known plans, obscure ideas, and just plain wacky daydreams of Hollywood's casting directors (Nicholas Cage as Willy Wonka? Nick Nolte as Han Solo? Ashton Kutcher as Superman!?) -- it's all here.

Enjoy!

Christopher Walken's Twelve Days of Christmas

"The partridge, the pear tree. I trust both have arrived safely on this First Day of Christmas.

The partridge, unfortunately, required mounting for shipping. Taxidermy. I had to strangle the poor bird with my own two hands. Sometimes small cruelties must be tolerated for the greater holiday good — in this case, pears."

The Johnny Reb Cannon

Forget the idea of a toy marketed straight to David Duke in his childhood. Forget the fact that it's a cannon that shot hard plastic ordnance 35 feet. What really dates this 1950s commercial is the brand tagline "Every boy wants a Remco toy. And so do girls."

What is Going On With the Swiss Army?

Holy crap -- Do you see this?

The latest Swiss Army Knife features 85 devices to make even Batman's utility belt jealous.

It's got a tire gauge, a cigar cutter, a flashlight -- there's even a laser pointer on there!

But worst of all, you just know that as advanced as this thing is, it's still equipped with those useless tweezers and that toothpick-ish thing that always ended up getting lost.

Man, I hated those!

How to Turn Your Pee Blue

I think my favorite part of the explanation for how to accomplish this trick is the line where is says that you don't have to catch syphilis in order for it to work.

Still, what a prank -- and just in time for Christmas party season too!

(Link via The Kaiser -- who you know has probably already tried it)

DVD Dinner Conversations

So if you're dining singly, and must have a dinner conversation, some Dutch artists have just what you need: a dining partner on DVD.

What's pathetic is that I am the target market.

Tablebot

Yes, this is a video of a table. I just watched it six times.

Hell of Sand

Somebody help me, I can't stop messing with this thing!

Opera at the Cineplex

The Metropolitan Opera is screening abridged versions of its operas at select movie theaters for $18. Although tickets to live operas at the Met are pretty much impossible to get, and typically cost hundreds, the fan base for the art form is actually dying, making this a smart move. The kickoff feature is Julie Taymor's The Magic Flute, and if you've seen anything she's ever done on stage, you know it will rock.

$18 may seem like a lot for a movie, but it should keep most cellphone louts out, and you don't have to wear a tux.

My Little Cthulhu

How cool is this?

Hot Chicks With Douchebags.com

We've all seen it. We've all wondered what the deal is. We've all come up with our own weak attempts at a justification

"He must be really rich"
"She must be really stupid."
"Girls always go for the jerks"
"Scientology is a hell of a drug"

But none of these offerings give you the explanation that you really want.

Unfortunately, this site doesn't help either, instead providing readers with photo captions that feel a lot like sharing a cab with a group of people who are so engrossed in their own conversation they don't have the time to explain it to anyone else.

That being said -- the photos are gold.

An equally unhelpful FAQ page is provided by the siteowner -- offering answers to all of your important douchbag-related inquiries, like this one:

Q: What inspired you to create this site?
A: Your moms.

..Douchebag

Casket Salesmen

Saw these guys in front of 20 people in Jersey on Saturday night, and they were playing way beyond the room. This single and smart little lo-fi video are the tip of the iceberg. If you get a chance, go see 'em live. Plus, how can you not love a bunch of guys who live for Grease Trucks and video games?

How It Should Have Ended.com

Movies -- They just don't live in the same world as the rest of us, do they?

I mean sure, building suspense and creating events that lead viewers up to some huge climactic moment helps to sell tickets -- but everyone knows the feeling of walking out of a theater and thinking, "It would have never happened that way in real life ...what a total crock!"

That's where this site comes in. Check out the archive page to see what you've been wanting all along -- Real endings to some of Hollywood's biggest blockbusters.

Not only do these smart little animations satisfy your desire for closure, but in some instances they can actually save you time and money by ending the need for costly and frequently dissapointing serials

Like these, for example.

Adam's World

Adam Bernard is a freelance writer based in Fairfield, Connecticut. His work ranges from record reviews and opinion pieces to interviews with nationally known actors from television programs such as Entourage and The O.C. as well as numerous musical artists including 50 Cent and Paul Oakenfold for publications like Soak, XXL, and The Source Magazine.

If that weren't enough, he hosts a regular radio show for the Fairfield College radio station and is slated to have his sixth cover story for a national magazine published later this month.

Clearly Bernard is a busy guy, but that doesn't keep him from regularly posting opinions, album reviews, interviews with up-and-coming talent, and whatever else strikes his fancy over at his personal website Adam's World.

Whether you're a fan of hip-hop, someone who knows the trials and tribulations that come with a freelance writing career, or just enjoy reading engaging and intelligent obeservations about this crazy world we live in -- you should definitely give this site a look.

Give Us Back New York

"In 1613, a Dutch settlement for trading was established on Lower Manhattan, named New Amsterdam after the glorious capital of Holland (Amsterdam, that is). Just a handful of years later, a Dutchie named Peter Minuit bought the rest of Manhattan. Those were the days all the way until 1664 when some British conquerers conquered the place and baptised it New York.

Being renamed "New York" after being called "New Amsterdam" can't be anything but a step down the status ladder. Seriously, where's York anyway? Godforsaken British town, compared to the glorious capital of Holland."

So begins the manifesto of an interesting little revolutionary movement who's goal is to reclaim the Big Apple to its rightful owners and re-re-name it "New Amsterdam." But more than that, these folks want to rescue the city from the mistreatments of its American owners and re-invigorate it with the sort of touches that make the original Amsterdam so great.

Among their suggested improvements for the city:

* Changing the nickname to "The Big Orange"
* Flooding several major streets to enable canal boat traffic
* Filling Central Park with Tulips
* Replacing all hot dog carts with vendors who sell herring
* Painting all the taxi cabs orange
* Requiring all naked cowboys to wear wooden shoes

It's amusing at first -- heck, maybe even something worth considering. But then after reading through the site for a while you start to wonder what the real reason behind all this "Amsterdam in America" hoopla might be

..And that's when you discover their plan for all the coffee shops.

Asking for it.

Airports are not the venue for being "sassy" or "playful" these days. A tag that says "Nothing worth stealing in here" tells the baggage handler "I'm an asshole. Please rifle through my stuff for the fun of it." When you get to baggage claim, it tells your fellow travelers "I'm an asshole. Please give me a dirty look to confirm."

A Saturday Anthem

Go have some fun tonight!

The OhMiBod

I'll take "Things I Do Not Want to See Bob Dylan Advertise" for $1000, Alex.

Anti-Monkey Butt Powder

There's a lot to love about this product, but my favorite aspect has to be this little gem from the handy-dandy customer FAQ page:

Q: Will this cure monkey butt?
A: No.

War on Terror: The Board Game

You're either with them or against them, or sometimes you're both!