What Kiefer Sutherland Will Be Doing In 30 Years

What do onetime TV stars do to avoid the convention set? In Tom Baker's case, they leave voice mails for texters who want him to say "bollocks." One ambitious cellie user had him speak all the words to "Video Killed The Radio Star," including the instantly weird "I met your children. What did you tell them?"

Like Your Job's This Important

How can you just sit there and write reports, grade papers, or sell ...things when there's an epidemic going on?!

I'm talking about Bird Flu! Potential future killer of everyone you've ever known and loved! Drop what you're doing, just stop right now.

You've got 30 seconds to save the world.

Bird Flu, Man!

FTS

Wow, The Darkness have really let themselves go.

(NSFW - even if it seems like the very best place to play something like this on infinite repeat at maximum volume especially if you had to go in today when everyone else got to sleep in because they don't work for a crazed bunch of slavedrivers who can't recognize the signigicance of this particular holiday)

Frank's Random Joke Generator

I once went to a comedy club where one of the performers did an extended mime act about milking a wild deer. As you might expect, it wasn't really that funny at all --but many of us laughed anyways, possibly to mask our collective confusion about what it was that we were missing.

It's much like the feeling you'll get checking out this little doo-dad from across the pond that takes random parts from commonly told jokes and melds them together to create third generation "super-jokes" that threaten to take over the world.

Enjoy!

Katamari Damacy 2

It'll eat the world if you let it, and that's good.

All Kinds of Stuff

Professional Looney Tunes DVD commentator John Kricfalusi jumped on the blog train recently, giving us a free place to gush over him and his artwork some more.

Back in the day when his main internet platform was Spumco.com, he would frequently veer off the course of promoting his own work to craft essays on animation history, rants about current media trends, and generally comment on anything else that annoyed him.

Let's hope that happens again here.

Hello Fitty

It is what it is.

Hipster Bingo

Six Part Toaster

Looks like the McDLT inventor is staging a comeback. Let's keep that hot side hot, shall we?

La Molleindustria

The McDonald's video game rules. I have yet to try Queer Power, TuboFlex, Orgasm Simulator, or Tamatipico.

Go nuts, folks.

Disaffected!

If Lego made a video game about working at a Kinko's, it likely would look a lot like this. Lesson: Co-workers are your greatest enemy. (Also see: "Hell is other people.")

Rootin' and Falutin'

I blame Jerry Bruckheimer for the resurgence in pirates. It's like the angels craze of the early '90s, only for the evil and eyepatched. Hex has done some pirate-spotting as well, and may share his (Scroll down, read, then wish you could reach through the screen and kill me)

































booty.

MixCDSwap3

Spread some good music to your fellow human.

For those who got my CDs, here's the playlist for "Off A Duck's Back":

Name |Artist
Water
The Sheriff's Ranch For Boys |Shack Shakers
Reach for the Sky |Social Distortion
Better Off Dead |Bad Religion
Rose of the Devil's Garden |Tiger Army
Making Plans For Nigel |XTC
Beautiful Friend |Cranes
A Good Idea |Sugar
This Town |Go Go's
I Say Nothing |Voice Of The Beehive
Don't Care |Klark Kent
Not My Slave |Oingo Boingo
St. Louise Is Listening |Soul Coughing
Video Kid |The Birthday Massacre
Wait Move On |Iris
She Watch Channel Zero |Follow For Now
Eight-Ball |The Jody Grind
High Roll |Tom Warnick
Onto Transmigration |JUF (Gogol Bordello)
Young Liars |TV on the Radio

The Gay Bomb

Nice to see we're still hiring only the brightest and the best at DoD.

Hooked on a Feeling

One thing you can say about this guy and Tesh is that at least they have a sense of humor about themselves.

Crash Different

Relax... have some dip.

How To Dance Like a White Guy

Recently at a club I received an unexpected compliment on my dancing ability from a fetching young lady who apparently suffered from some sort of vision impediment that she wouldn't own up to.

But, like any other dude with an ego -- I'm running with it and will operate under the assumption that it was a genuine statement of fact until told otherwise.

However, should you come across this woman and want to impress her with your own moves, you might want to take some time to consult this handy-dandy little guide first -- because we all know what happens to players who try to fake the funk with the Clap Clap Point Point Clap Point Point Point Clap Point and Squat now, don't we?

Sparkly Crap for the No-Taste Crowd

If anyone out there has some Photoshop skill, you should bedazzle a chihuahua and stick that glitter-rat back in Paris Hilton's arms.

Doctor Who

We don't normally recommend big mainstream media stuff, but we've had a lot of fun chewing this up on Limewire. Now the Sci-Fi Channel has picked up the new Doctor Who, so everyone in the US can see it legitimately.

Also, Dolly Parton's version of "The Star Spangled Banner" is just too fun to pass up. Have at.

I Miss Sir Mix a Lot

Only James will get the joke.

By the way -- should you hear anyone using this as a ringtone, kill them immediatley

What the Hell is Going on Here?

It's kind of like "The 5th Element."

..Well ok, not really -- but I'm going with it.

Pop Quiz

Think fast: you're in the Darfur refugee camp, and you have to explain the purpose of this device. Big bonus points if you can explain the purpose of Philippe Starck.

Dad 'n Me

Ok, Junior, now go decapitate your playmates like a good little serial killer!

Car Alarm Bans

When you hear a car alarm, do you ever think "OH MY GOD, THAT CAR'S BEING STOLEN!!" No, you do not. Because usually it's a false alarm. We're trying to get these things banned here in NYC. My recommendation is that everyone seek to do the same planetwide.

Sears Tower Built With Jenga

Your student loan dollars at work.

btw - Apparently the people at the Guinness Book of World Records won't give this guy the time of day, despite the fact that this is not his first time around the block.

Tell me getting that rejection letter didn't suck.

The guy with a million bees on his face? -- He's in.
You? -- Eh, not so much.

Cartoon Brew

Just kinda surfing around this morning I came across this really interesting animation history/trade magazine sort of blog run in part by cartoon historian Jerry Beck, who's truly got one of the jobs in this world I would love to have -- watching cartoons and writing about them.

I mean, I kinda do that anyways -- it's just that he somehow figured out a way to get paid for it.

(also serves as a quick way to get to the animated John K interview that's been making the rounds on all the sites lately).

The Law & Order Coloring Book

Further proof of my theory that there is a secret society of people in this country dedicated to the goal of bringing Jerry Orbach back from the dead to reclaim his rightful place as ruler of the known universe.

Make Your Own Subway Sign

To make an authentic subway sign, think of a message that would have been most useful to know before you left the house.

Kikkoman

While we're on the subject, let's revisit this crowd fave...

How to Eat Sushi

It's really hard to tell if this is serious or not, as the constant tone of the narration kinda lulls you into a sense of comfort and security, only to be followed a moment later by that feeling of culture clash and confusion when you catch yourself saying "Wait, what was that last part??"

Regardless, all I can think of when I watch this video is the first time I had sushi with some of my oldest friends in California. I was new to the cuisine and asked our host for a few pointers on what to do so I wouldn't look like an idiot when we got to the place. He explained how things were set up, what things were good to try, and generally what to expect.

Then he leaned in close with this serious look in his eyes and said "Now this is important -- somewhere in the middle of the meal, they're gonna offer you a cup of special wine. Whatever you do, DON'T drink it."

Well of course none of us listened, and several hours later we ended up at a Karaoke place singing songs with the people from the Sushi bar. Definitley a night to remember (as much of it as I can remember, that is).

Campai!

How To Pray to Mothra

Break glass in case someone kidnaps the Shobijin fairies from your island (also helpful in the treatment of Godzilla attacks).

Take only as directed. Side effects may occur.

Why I Love Google Video

Because you can literally wake up, hit random, and find something like this.

Pointless Surgery

One step up from trepanation (ok, maybe two), some overly enthusiastic techies now are self-chipping themselves with Radio Frequency Identification (RFID) tags. RFID tags are contactless chips which are great at (for instance) counting a palletfull of boxed Wal-Mart crap at the loading dock. A reader held a few inches from something with a tag can pick up information about what the tagged item is, where it came from, how long it took to get there, and the like.

Unfortunately for would-be Bionic Cyberboys, the limited range and underwhelming consumer applications for these tags so far makes the self-chipping thing pretty weak. While the guy who was getting this surgery thought he'd be moving walls from afar as he pranced through his secret lair all Magneto-style, back in the real world he can unlock a screen saver or his front door. Yay.

A Charlie Brown Kwanzaa

A dollar'll get me what!?

Diary of an Unborn Child

"Horrifying, misguided and unintentionally hilarious," is the accurate description found on the very fun April Winchell site. She's one of a new generation of Dr. Dementos, often mining the vinyl past for treasure.

If we had any taste, we would have saved this until after Jesus' birthday. Now you know.

Snowball Fight

You're still at work.

The holiday is right on top of us, but you still have to be there. There's a report that has to get done, a sales order that has to be entered into the system, or a phone that has to be covered just in case a customer calls -- the kind of workday that makes you start feeling like you're a kid stuck doing homework on a school snowday while everyone else is outside having a good time.

Well here's something just for you -- an oldie but goodie from Nicholson NY, this shockwave snowball fight game was the just anout the only thing that kept me alive when I was stuck inside a cubicle during years past. With simple controls, multiple levels, and a design that brings out the holiday bloodthirst in just about everybody -- it's still one of my absolute favorite things on the web.

Enjoy!

The Safe Bedside Table

Totally stolen from Gizmodo, including the winner comment:

"Metrosexual to Conan the Defender of the Espresso Maker in 3 Seconds."

The Zelda Rap

Again, this is old news, but it was just inflicted upon us. Now we pass the pain along to you.

The Cute Overload

Have you ever wondered what it was like to be strapped into a chair "Clockwork Orange" style where you're forced to look at disturbing images that just never seemed to end?

Don't say I didn't try to warn you.

R-Rated Aprons

We used to call them "dad gifts." Whenever you'd go to department stores at Christmas you'd see these tables filled with golf tees, flashlights with sirens and tape measures built in, boxes of assorted neckties, or wallets that could double as compasses or digital watches. Stuff nobody would ever want - but clearly put there to help the hordes of families stuck buying that one last gift for the person who is almost always the hardest to figure out.

For me, the worst part of the "dad gift" was seeing that look in the persons eye when they opened it. That look that says "Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm never going to use this."

Well not this year. This year I've found the one gift that will conquer all other "dad gifts" combined. The one gift that the hard-to-buy for people I care about will want to show off. Will want to talk about.

Hell, I don't think my dad even likes to cook out on the grill. But just watch -- once he gets one of these, he'll be making up excuses to invite people over.

I can just see him at work now..

"What'd your family get you -- an electronic crossword puzzle dictionary? Well take a look at what I got!!!"

Secret Satan

It's that time of year again -- children drawing pentagrams in the snow, a sacrificed chicken on every dinner table, and some dude in a red suit standing outside the supermarket giving the sign of the goat to everyone that goes by.

But craziest of all is the way that these holiday traditions are starting to make their way into the places we work at, giving us no possible way to escape the hordes of candy cane-wielding, santa hat wearing minions desperatley wanting to know if you've put your tree up yet or not.

Well NO MORE! Thanks to the boys in Karkis, the truth finally comes out. And wouldn't you know it.. the answer was right there in front of us the whole time.

Beer for Dogs

Generally speaking, I'm pretty much all for the practice of giving booze to animals - but if you're going to take that step, I mean really take that step, don't be all half-assed about it. Take for example this website for "Happy Tail Ale" from the Dog Star Brewing Company that offers a non-alchoholic beer made specifically for canines.

I mean, I suppose there's a safety-oriented thought involved or whatever, but take a look at the picture -- I mean if that's not a bitter beer face, I don't know what is!

Moral of the story: No one likes O'Douls.

Pandora

Highly Recommended is probably the last to know about this one, but it's new to us, so there it is. Pandora is a web-based application similar to MusicMatch: it helps you find new music with qualities similar to stuff you like. There are free (ad-supported) and subscription (not) versions, and direct links to Amazon if you want to buy the CD. It's a bit faster than shuffling through everyone's iMixes, and you get the full song, in a 128kbps stream.

Peepmaker

A prize goes to the first reader who sends in a picture of a bachelorette party favor made using this device.

Toastabags

The mind reels at the thought of using two Toastabags: one with soup, one with sandwich.

Welcome to the Highly Recommended Cafe, folks!

The Mosquito

Are there too many punks on your stoop? Get one of these.

Germophobes' Delight

Click this post's title for the Boston version. The New York version shows a guy picking his butt. I guess the product is supposed to prevent the spread of Metrogrippe.

Tom Warnick and the World's Fair

Fearless lyricist with a presence.

Shock and Awe

"I tell you, Lars, our cutting-edge Swedish design can sell anything, ANYTHING!"

Fetch Toys For Superman

Whatamigonnadonext.com

This is best reached through the teaser ad animation of a high school graduate freaking out about the future. Regardless, once you get to the site, some interesting animation suggests various career paths for the average high school grad. It's such a pro job that it would be easy to miss that it's an elaborate ad for the Air Force. Oh well. At least it's more realistic than thinking that people will sign up with the military just to get those three free iTunes.

Closer to home, it's mildly distressing to think that Highly Recommended's surfing patterns apparently fit the demographic profile of a directionless teenager...

Meow Tse-Tung

Remember that time you yelled at them for knocking stuff off of your bookshelves?

..yeah, that was probably a mistake

Why Prayers Go Unanswered

Apparently the Post Office is in charge of delivering mail to God. Also, if you want anything from your wish list to Santa this Christmas, you'd better use FedEx.

When Marketers Go Long

When someone needs Schrödinger's Cat to explain a product, unless it travels through time, do not buy.

Scratch that. I saw Primer. Do not buy anything involving Schrödinger, his cat, or their corpses--past, present, or future.

Bigfootology

Sometimes known regionally as a skunk ape or Sasquatch, Bigfoot is the leading attention-getter in the oft-maligned field of cryptozoology ('cause hey, it's fun).

Nevermind that the only known documented Bigfoot sighting is the admitted hoax of a man dead for three years now. Lest Nessie, Chupacabra, or some other bullshit gain ground on the furtive furball, the Texas Bigfoot Research center recently held its fifth annual conference. If this pic from the 2001 conference (held on 9/15/2001, mind you) is any indicator, our nation needs more female cryptozoologists. Or maybe the two gals in front fancy them bigfoot hunters...

Still, oratory from the finely-coiffed men of Jefferson, Texas can't hold a candle to the mystery, atmosphere, and all-out Bigfoot Love Fest that is Boggy Creek II: And The Legend Continues.

Ok, we here at Highly Recommended are officially embarassed. Carry on.

Thanksgiving: The Movie

This time, it's personal.

De-Animator

Insanely frustrating yet addictive flash game that provides ultimate evidence to the fact that should the dead ever rise up from the ground with a taste for human flesh and blood, no matter how many bullets you might have on you at the time -- you're basically fucked.

Hifana's "Wamono"

My kind of party.

The Grid

Pack up your desk, your workday is over.

No matter what the deadline was, no matter how much work you still need to do - once you start playing this game you won't have enough focus left to finish anyth

I'm On Frikkin' Fire

"Girl on Fire" is one of the true gems you'll find among a selection of utterly whacked-out films at www.get-sa.com, which is apparently part of a marketing campaign put on by Subway.

I can't really say that it made me want to buy a sandwich - but for whatever reason this had me howling with laughter, much to the confusion of my apparently humorless sandwich-eating coworkers.

Lost

Everyone loves Lost. It's like Gilligans Island with blood. The X-Files in Bathing Suits. It's everything you could ever want in a television show whose title doesn't have the words "Desperate" or "Housewives" in the title.

Oh wait, you've never seen it?
(...yeah, me neither)

Well now we don't have to! Thanks to the fabulous intarweb, you can easilly get your proverbial foot in the door to all of those water-cooler conversations you normally would have been ..well, lost in otherwise -- simply click and watch as an entire seasons worth of fun (plus a turtle) rolls by for your viewing pleasure.

Breakfast

Milk!

Eggs!

Beer Pancakes?

(and just for all you shredders, here's the Tab!)

..I'm normal.

The PowerSquid

Sweet Jesus -- where has this thing been all my life?

Cinema Treasures

Movie palaces are pure joy. This database helps locate nearby gems, by architect, theater style, and the like. Now if someone could just make a list of lout-free theaters, we'd be set.

iiiiiiii.com

Oh come on, you knew that's what it was gonna be!

The IFOCE

The International Federation of Competitive Eaters holds contests benefiting hunger charities. Seems like if you were a hungry person, such a contest would be kind of rubbing your gaunt face in it. Anyway, this site has many things worth noting--it's sponsored by Alka-Seltzer, for instance--but the force truly to behold is 105-pound Sonya Thomas, aka The One Eater.

Fun With Flickr

Flickr photo search is pretty useful when looking for pictures of snowmen. Yet it can be put to far, far better use than that. Click on the post title link, then enter some of the words below into the search box. Then try your own.

Boogers
Backhair
Dubya
Hamster
Snacks
Japanese Candy
Freaky
Fonts
Stoopid

Roadside America

This is a longtime repository of weird road trip destinations. A friend traveled to several of these places last summer, including Carhenge, one of many henges. Other wonders include transparent women, awesome tiny church technology, and everyone's favorite, the World's Largest Ball of Twine.

The Kooks Museum

The exhibits are textual rather than visual, but still plenty of fun. The site also features hate mail from people who are unclear on the concept.

Make A Monster

If BeastBlender struck you as too creepy, maybe this is more your speed.

Skynet Components

Apparently no one remembers The Terminator, because more weapon-equipped robots are coming out all the time. Here are precursors to what we'll see during the Schwarzenegger presidency:

KNOW

YOUR

ENEMY


Oh, and all that "Fish Are Friends" crap from Finding Nemo? You won't be saying that when these get weaponized...

Planet Xena

Officials are still debating whether the recently discovered mass out beyond Pluto constitutes a tenth planet. Meanwhile, the astronomers who discovered it and nicknamed it Xena have found it has a moon, which they've named...wait for it...Gabrielle. The International Astronomical Union, a group of scientists responsible for naming planets, is deciding on formal names for the heavenly bodies, but why mess with a good thing? This could make for some keen co-marketing. Also, it should motivate the stargazers to find two more moons to complete the set.

Free iTunes Downloads

Yes, you heard right -- 3 free downloads are waiting for you, and all you have to do to get them is:

Join the National Guard!?

..and I thought 12 CD's for a penny was a bad deal!

Marry Your Baby Daddy Day

So far this is only a Brooklyn thing, but there's no reason not to go nationwide. Minor disappointment: this originally was supposed to be a mass wedding a la Reverend Moon, but there were only 10 couples for the inaugural event. Good news: you've got a whole year before the next one.

Shining

Forget hurricane relief mismanagement, corporate greed, or wars for oil -- the real threat to this nations security is and will always be Hollywood's unchecked need to remake classic horror films using younger stars and updated scripts. From The House on Haunted Hill to The Amytiville Horror, studios can't seem to stop frothing at the mouth to reheat these old burgers and see if we'll eat them all over again just because they sprinkled a little Jessica Biel on top.

I mean, what's gonna be next - a Stephen King love story?

Flora Bush: The Child Left Behind

I'm not so sure how well this holds up as a political protest -- but pretty much anything on the web featuring the president's daughter molesting Winnie-the-Pooh in drag is worth a recommendation in my book.

Banalizing

As we get further and further away from the actual event, stuff like this gets even more surreal. The same company specializes in drivel.

Need more concrete imagery on your postcards? Here ya go.

Everybody Loves Fek'lhr

Think your kids lack discipline? -- Try these on for size.
Think your kids lack rhythm? -- Help is at hand.
Think your kid needs to get a job? -- Look no further.
Need help getting a date? -- We've got you covered.

Oh, you meant that kind of date...

No problem.

He Man Does 4-Non-Blondes

Absolutley nowhere near as heterosexual as the title might lead you to believe.

Water Cooler Games

Run by considered, savvy folk, Water Cooler Games covers the world of video games outside of the sphere of entertainment. If you're looking for your next Grand Theft Auto fix, keep moving. On the other hand, did you know that the UN World Food Program makes an educational video game that doesn't suck?

Then there's Teenage Mum...

Cute. Kinda. I guess. Not really. What is this thing again?

There was that scene in Godfather where a movie mogul, played by John Marley, refused the Don's offer and ended up with his prize horse's head in his bed. Here's an actual business enterprise based on the idea that it would be cute to send a stuffed severed horse head to josh your buddies. Likely response after you've spent your $70: "Heh. Oh yeah, from that thing in Godfather..."

This isn't obscure enough. How about a Faces-era stuffed John Marley head? Or a set of two stuffed heads--Marley and Gena Rowlands? Better yet, Marley and Richard Backus, as Andy from Deathdream. Of course, with two heads, it would be $140, but what a fine, fine use of money.

Doggy Poo

"It's a complicated world."

Indeed.

Poopstinks.org

While we're on the subject...

Polysics

You're not getting enough Devo. We can tell. Fortunately, they've spawned a new generation. In Japan.

The Troll Stroll

If the only information I ever get about Norway comes from this race, I have to figure it's a great country. Kid races and waffles. What's not to like?

Helping Out

If you have not already done so, the Highly Recommended Thing Of The Moment is to do what you can to help victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Maternity Corset

...Remember that one really creepy kid in school?

Rats

This book on rats was one of the most interesting things I read last year. Did you know they can chew through concrete? Anyway, tonight, after a concert, a friend who also had read the book took me to the alley where the author had done most of his rat watching. Indeed, the alley, which is behind an Irish bar and a Chinese restaurant, has a hell of a lot of big, creepy, active rats. While I was watching (for about 30 seconds, which was all I needed), it occurred to me that the alley still had a severe rat problem after a nationally published book had been written on that particular infestation. Are they refusing to deal with the problem because they're proud of the rats?

The Batbelt

Unless you've been hanging out with Morgan Freeman on the downlow, knowing where to get your wonderful toys can be a problem. Yes, Dave Eggers' superhero supply store is convenient when you're running low on canned Chaos, but it still doesn't have the real-world nuts-and-bolts gear required for many basic missions. Now, thanks to DARPA, here's all you'll need to scale tall buildings quickly for under $10K.

Peeking out the blinds, online.

Local home-grown bulletin boards are a great way to research the character of your neighborhood. Daily Heights is the BB for Prospect Heights in Brooklyn. Find one near you. Not Yahoo! Local or whatever the corporate equivalent is, but something run by people who actually live near you.

Pornstar Bears

My grandmother collects ceramics.

Precious Moments, Christmas ornaments, craft show pieces -- she has them all. She keeps all of these treasures locked away inside a sealed glass case that she keeps in the front drawing room of her house. This is the same room that holds her Tiffany Lamps, her "Gone With the Wind" commemorative china set, and her books about opera.

During our childhood years my brother and I were forbidden from going into that room out of a fear that we might accidentally break something. As a result -- for nearly all of my adult life I have harbored a secret desire to someday go into the forbidden room and cerimoniously smash all of those friggin' ceramic figurines to bits.

Of course I'm not gonna do it, because despite her crazy house rules, her lunatic southern politics, and her tendency to tell the same story over and over and over and over again -- she's still my grandmother, you know?

Unfortunatly all of kinda this leaves me in a state of emotional limbo where I desperately want to take out my vengance, but ethically know that I shouldn't.

But now, with the advent of these plucky (and hopefully protected) forest creatures -- I might just have found the perfect way to eviscerate those childhood demons without physically demolishing 70-odd years of heartfelt (yet fanatical) collecting and preserving.

My grandmother collects ceramics.

mad love to Monster for the link.

Walken 2008

Finally, a candidate we can trust to carry the uncomfortable piece of metal that is democracy up their ass for the next 4 years.

Zero Stars

Forever and ever in the world of high-profile syndicated movie reviewing, even the worst of movies found ways to avoid the dreaded goose egg. The rating itself seemed like one of those things that only existed in theoretical mathematics, reserved especially for films that were so morally disturbing or offensive that critics felt they had some sort of duty to warn the public away from seeing them (an interesting example being the Rob Reiner film "North") -- But hardly ever has a zero star rating given out when a critic felt a movie was just out and out bad.

Well not anymore.

Last week Roger Ebert laid the zero bomb on "Deuce Bigalo, European Gigolo."

Not to be outdone, Rolling Stone followed up quickly and capped a blank of it's own into "The Dukes of Hazzard", which was then followed by a second zero star salvo from Ebert for a film called "Chaos" (although in all fairness Ebert felt “Chaos” was violent to the point of being brutal, and gave the zero based on that more than any sense of personal dislike).

This is a big change. For whatever reasons you want to assign, even the most horrifically bad of movies could find a way to salvage at least a star. The prime example of this being the original “Deuce Bigalo,” which has basically the same plot and um ..charm as its sequel, but still managed to get 1.5 stars from Ebert.

And it's not like Ebert hasn't ever blasted actors for bad choices or laid the wood to what he considered a stupid movie -- but dropping the zero on a film is a step tantamount to bringing a gun to a knife fight.

Understand something here -- “Ishtar” didn’t get a zero. "Howard the Duck" didn't get a zero. Pauly Shore never got a zero.

But now in the space of a week, there’ve been three.

I know it seems like a silly little thing, and that most people don’t really pay that much attention to critics one way or another when they choose a movie to see, but the studios do. And for years the critics kinda tipped a considerate hat to that (or not biting the hand that feeds them, depending on your point of view) by at least giving one star here and there no matter how bad the film might seem.

But now if national critics (and the companies behind their publications) are willing to call a studio’s product and employees worthless, it could affect all sorts of things. Not that I’m advocating some sort of no mas policy for Rob frikkin’ Schneider – but that if these sorts of reviews become commonplace and the public starts taking heed, people could start losing their jobs.

So if you ever pen a reivew for the local entertainment weekly, or like to do your part tagging up Amazon or IMdb with your two cents about the movies, feel free to take the gloves all the way off.

Who knows, you might just be the hero that finally helps us to stop the hurting and pain when Ben Stiller tries to pitch another "Meet the Fokking Parents" movie to Dreamworks.

RICANSTRUCTION

Do you miss Rage Against The Machine? Here's your new band, from Harlem. Scroll down for downloads.

Electric Marshmallow Toaster

When my great-grandchildren ask how we squandered our resources, I'd like to say it was on better things than this. Yet, here it is.

Buddyping

Now this is a really great idea. It's a service that enables you to use your cell phone to automatically locate and message all your friends in the area to let them know where you are.

Say you're barhopping alone and want to hook into whatever's going on where your friends are at, or just want to let people know you're somewhere that they shouldn't be missing out on, this system takes care of everything with just one message.

No more "We were all going here but it was lame so everyone decided to go there instead." confusion.

The bad news is that so far it's only wired for the pub-rich streets of the UK -- but there's an international beta in the works that should open up all sorts of possibilities.

Leave it to the British to come up with a huge advance in interpersonal drinking technology...

I say we invade.

The Backstroke of the West

Just in case you thought the plotholes in Episode III weren't glaring enough, check out this recap of a bootleg DVD version someone bought overseas that features a unique surprise -- a direct English translation of the Chinese interpretation of the script, with hilarious results.

Enjoy, imperialist pigdogs!

Jowlers.com

If you've reached your wits end trying to sift through profile pic after profile pic on myspace or friendster or whatever site you find yourself surfing this month looking for the next super-special person in your life then you might want to give this place a try.

Participants submit photos of themselves taken while they shake their heads back and forth as fast as they can. No cheesy slogans, no cartoon avatars -- just interactive humanity at it's drool-spraying best.

Shut the rest of the web down.. We have a winner.

Homo Sausage

We Highly Recommend snickering like Beavis. It's good for you.

Cycling Activism

It's preposterous to have to lobby for the right to ride a bicycle without getting arrested, but that's where things are at.