The World's Hottest Burger

When I was in high school the big deal was to see how many hot sauces you could put on a single burrito. Our man Werdna put something like 15 on one time. The thing was mostly sauce.

This drive to establish yourself as the toughest mofo alive by means of hot sauce does not go away.

Another friend told a tale of New Orleans from about 10 years ago. The chef would come around and say "Have you met The Man?" The Man was a hot sauce made of molten meteorite or some such equally infernal alien ingredient. If you hadn't met The Man, the chef would put a drop on whatever you were eating and then laugh at you and your pain. My friend asked if anyone had ever had more than one drop. Apparently someone had once voluntarily consumed six drops of The Man. When asked who this person was, the chef said "Some stupid white boy."

Cut to the present.

There is a restaurant in Queensland Australia which serves The World's Hottest Burger. From the pictures and videos I've seen, it looks to be mostly hot peppers and sauce. They serve it to you with fireproof gloves and an emergency kit consisting of milk and yogurt. If you can make it through the entire thing without using the kit, you get your name on the wall.

My running buddy has a brother who lives down there. He and his friend recently decided they were up to the challenge. First, his e-mail:

Dear sweet arse-raping Jesus i will make this report VERY quick because just the memory of the burger is giving me bowel cramps.

First of all the burger in question can be found at the 'Off The Wall Diner' at Wellington Point in Brisbane.

Secondly, before it gets served to you you have to put on rubber gloves.

Finally, it was not so much a meal as a physical assault.

I swear to god i have never been in so much pain in my life. i was mentally prepared for the burn and had decided that no matter how hot it turned out to be i was just going to open a can of 'harden the f * ck up' and keep eating. So here's how it panned out...

4 of us head to Wellington Point around 2pm for a cruisy Saturday lunch. Me, Thommo and our two better halves.

We know that drinking beer won't help the burn, but just for psychological backup we have 2 6 packs of Little Creatures. We drink 1 6 pack on the way to the diner. We start on the other as soon as we arrive.

The 2 guys order the megadeath burgers to much laughter and derision from the kitchen of the diner. The 2 girls order sensible burgers.

We are downing the beer like water before we even see the burger so we run across the road and grab another 6 pack from the pub.

The girls burgers arrive and they are awesome hand made giant patty motherf * cking things and I'm starting to get REALLY hungry.

Our burgers arrive, with rubber gloves and a recovery kit consisting of a big drink of milk and a bowl of yogurt. The challenge remains that if we can finish the burger without resorting to the recovery kit we get our names on a plaque on the wall...

I start eating, and eating fast. I stick with my game plan and ignore the burn, just push through the pain.

2 things happen immediately to my body.

1. I get violent hiccups as my body tries to reject the molten lava i am putting into it.
2. I begin crying like a little girl.

Not to be discouraged I forge ahead, quickly shoveling the burger into my mouth. I begin to descend into my own little hell. Staff come out and are watching us eat and are egging us on. I can barely notice anything except the immense pain in my mouth, eyes, ears (yes my ears were ringing) but most importantly in my stomach...

And this is the problem.

The burning mouth, the crying, the ringing ears I can handle. But now with less than a third of the burger to go my stomach seizes up and refuses to let me put anything into it. I take a deep breath and look for my can of 'harden the f * ck up' when I notice that my mate Thommo has stopped eating his burger just beyond the halfway point and is wandering aimlessly up and down the street.

He has honestly lost the plot and is walking around in circles.

I decide I can't be defeated and manage one more bite before my stomach explains at this point that it is about to return to me everything i have just eaten at high speed.

not being able to face the prospect of vomiting back something that hot i pull off my gloves and admit defeat with 2 mouthfuls to go. The staff can't believe I have got this close and not finished it but at this point i really don't give a f * ck because i have just started to hallucinate.

No exaggerations here for the next 15-20 minutes or so as we just sat there i was completely off my face. it is one of the strangest drug experiences I have ever had (thats a BIG call). The closest thing I can liken it to is the feeling you have when you are coming off an 'e' and you are really jumpy, agitated, spun out and trippy.

Can i recommend this burger to anyone?

No f * cking way.

Should you go and try it anyway?

Absof * ckinglutely!

And about 2 days later...

it is now almost 48 hours later and i have just had my second shower for the morning.

second shower? why have 2?

because i am still shitting white hot torrents of molten steel and i need to cool down my puckered, torn and abraded sphincter before it decides to go all 'china syndrome' and melt through the crust of the earth to the core.

i swear to god all i have eaten in the past couple of days since the 'event' is stomach and anus friendly food like yoghurt, and ham and salad rolls and yet here i am at 6am on monday morning wondering why i have just been fisted by someone with a handful of broken glass and gravel?

the burger was evil. and it's evilness continues to taunt my bunghole.

shame on you for wanting to try this boobmeister. shame.

... and finally, a few days after that...

lol thanks for your concern f * cker

it lasted until tuesday night (i had the burger on saturday lunchtime) and i had my first *normal* crap on wednesday morning.

my mate i went who also tried the burger with came good on tuesday morning, but he admitted by 'good' he meant he wasn't bleeding profusely from his anus and eyeballs at the same time.

that burger was all f * cked up.

now go try it.

Now you have the context with which to enjoy a video of another victim (don't worry, no bathroom scenes):

And lastly, let's hear it for the hardcore girls. One of them gets her name on the wall! Skip to the 4:00 mark, where the strong are divided from the weak.


Hex said...

I can't even imagine. Two days later and you're so mindfucked from a hamburger that you're taking showers in the hope that it will cool your butt down.


Just ..wow.

Awesome post.

Heff said...

That was a GREAT post. My claim to fame was once drinking a solid gallon of prune juice. That Didn't turn out well, either.

John Hummer said...

To anyone that criticises this dude... the pain is real, the way he wrote it is EXACTLY what happens. Me and my mate whos viet and eats chili in his weetbix did the same burger last time I was in brissy, and we were both reduced to blubbering ,asses halfway thru the burger. My mate tripped out as well, and started walking around int he rain. I went catatonic. Over the next day I felt it burn through my whole body which was weird.
This burger will FUCK YOU UP

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