9.07.2006

Justice

There are disadvantages to living in New York City. Worse than the risk of any violent crime, driving, psychotically expensive rents, or having your death be the constant subject of Osama's wet dreams, is the noise. Now, there are hardcore assholes, mostly trust fund party kids, who will tell you that if it's too loud for you to just move out of the city. The rest of us have day jobs, and the constant aural assault makes earplugs one of the first things you buy after moving to Noo Yawk. Some people even wear earplugs on the subway, because the less of your day you spend exposed to jetplane decibel-levels, the better. No foolin', this city is LOUD, and it simply does not stop at any hour, unless it's just snowed on a holiday weekend. Any other time is a pellmell of buses, garbage trucks, car alarms, Mister Softee trucks (fuckers), boom cars, car services ringing the "Brooklyn Doorbell" (car horns), and worst of all: shout-outs in the street. Shout-outs are annoying enough in the middle of the day, but when two people are having a conversation at top volume from different sides of the street at 3am, the most kindly thought you have is calling the cops. The rest of your thoughts involve bloodletting.

Enter this. I'm not suggesting you use stainless steel shot, but frozen blueberries delivered via slingshot and laser sighting are completely appropriate for use on drunkards who don't understand how to leave a bar or club quietly. If you want to party down and make some noise, pay a cover charge and hit the party hiz-ouse of your choice. Otherwise, you are fair game for some blueberry-flavored justice.

I am the law.

3 comments:

Tom Serafini, Actor to the Stars! said...

Now this was a fucking funny post. Taste Bluberry-flavored justice bar crawling scumbags!

Judge Dredd, heh heh...

Liam said...

That's a great way to get a rock thru your window, if you're lucky. If you're not, something much worse.

There have been only a few cases where a little yelling hasn't solved the problem for me. If it's that bad, get an apartment that's not on the street. Or get a life.

Satorical said...

Ah, so you're the problem, Liam. Good to know!

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